A term for what you've always felt

Recipulate re·cip·u·late /rɪˈsɪpjʊleɪt/

When gifts come with strings you never agreed to hold. When favors create debts you never chose to owe. There's finally a word for it.

What Is Recipulation?

Recipulate verb

To give gifts, favors, or acts of service while holding unspoken expectations of return—expectations the recipient never agreed to and may not even know exist.

Recipulator noun

Someone who gives with hidden conditions. They may not realize they're doing it, but the effect is the same: the recipient is placed in a debt they never chose.

Recipulation noun

A "gift" that isn't free—it comes with unspoken terms and emotional strings attached.

The Core Issue: Consent

The recipient never chose to accept these conditions because they weren't aware of them. The recipulator removes the recipient's ability to consent, creating resentment, guilt, and confusion—often without either person understanding why.

Why This Matters

Recipulation manipulates feelings and actions. People may behave in ways they wouldn't have if the expectations had been stated openly. Over time, these hidden demands erode trust. The recipient senses something is wrong but can't identify it. Relationships fracture in ways neither person fully understands.

"Recipulators often don't recognize their own behavior. They genuinely want to help—but also expect something in return they've never named."

Self-awareness is the first step. Recognizing the pattern in yourself or others makes it possible to change.

Examples of Recipulation

Family & Friends

The Generous Parent

Expensive gifts for an adult child, with unspoken expectations of availability or obedience. When the child makes independent choices, the parent feels "betrayed"—though no agreement was ever made.

The Paying Friend

One friend always picks up the check, then expects unconditional loyalty on unrelated matters. The other friend never agreed to these terms.

Romantic Relationships

Grand Gestures

Lavish gifts, followed by claims of betrayal when the partner spends time with friends or pursues their own interests. The "debt" was never discussed.

Domestic Leverage

Constantly doing chores or errands, then using "everything I do for you" to control social decisions.

Workplace

The Over-Helper

A colleague takes on your tasks unprompted, then demands loyalty or unconditional help later. You never asked; now you "owe."

Mentor Leverage

A supervisor advocates for you, then expects silent compliance on decisions affecting your wellbeing—decisions you never agreed to.

How to Respond to Recipulation

If You Recognize It in Yourself

Ask: Am I expecting something I've never actually stated? If so, pause before resentment builds. Being honest with yourself about what you want is the first step toward healthy communication.

State expectations upfront. "I'm happy to help this weekend—would you be willing to proofread my resume next week?" Then respect a no.

Give for the joy of giving. If they respond differently than you hoped, any unmet expectation was yours—not theirs.

If Someone Is Recipulating You

You're not obligated to fix their error. They concealed expectations; you simply existed in a dynamic you never agreed to. That's on them.

Ask for clarity if you want to: "I appreciate what you've done. Is there something you're hoping for in return?" This is optional—you're under no obligation if it feels unsafe.

Reinforce your autonomy: "I'm sorry, but I never agreed to that." You're protecting your boundaries, not accepting blame.

A Note on Power Dynamics

A "yes" is only valid when someone can truly say "no." If the other person has no real alternative—like a child dependent on a parent—then asking them to "agree" to future obligations isn't an exchange. It's coercion.